Author: Deborah Jones-Allen

Mirrored Reflections

Today, as I reflect on the life of my grandson, it occurred to me that growing up witnessing domestic violence (DV) is too complex to understand, being that every situation is different.  What I do understand is that, domestic violence shatters lives. It challenges a young child’s behavior, emotions, and their cognitive development to name a few.  It’s impossible for young minds to understand the full impact of what’s going on in their parent’s lives’.  There is a much more to learn, as research is seeing the long-term effects and health issues that stems from growing up witnessing domestic violence .

You would think, that a child should be able to go to a parent or caregiver for safety and security, not in this case, this child soon discovered the fears of his mother, even some rejection, because she was experiencing her own emotional issues.  I  judged her for not taking a firm stand  and protect her child (my grandson), being that violence was at the center of her intimate relationships.  For me- it was about the child.   My heart was not open to understand how difficult it was for her to leave the same relationship that she was dependent upon.  It took several years, that my grandson  explain to me that  kept silent, because he had to protect his mom.

The Conflict Within

As I reflect on my grandsons’ situation,  it was apparent that this child was in emotional conflict, as he witnessed  his mother being hurt by someone she loved.  Already, he was  too young to understand his abrupt changes in schools, new neighborhoods, and his parents separating, just to find himself in a new situation with the same cycle. This time he now was experiencing a new addition to the family, a baby brother.   Of course, any child should be expected to display some adjustments in social and school setting, as well as, having academic problems.  Should we really expect a child to learn when their home life is toxic and  in turmoil.

In retrospect, I’m able to see the parallels of our lives, as  I too grew up witnessing domestic violence in the home. Our family was a model family in the community, so no one suspected any violence was  happening  on in our home.  We were told, “what goes on in here–stays in here” .  I can remember my mother and step father fighting every Sunday night  and my older sister in the middle trying to keep him from hitting my mother.  Can you believe the police were never were called and life went as usual, until the next Sunday. We had a ritual, eat together, pray together, my mom go to work and the evening ending with our parents fighting.   It ended, we went to sleep and never talked about it, then Monday’s we all went to school as if  everything was okay.

A Child Shall Lead Them

In fact, it became a problem for us.  Today we call it inter-generational domestic violence.   Looking back, both my sisters and I, experienced domestic violence in our intimate relationships.  Not a good sign!  unlike them, I will make a difference and hope to break this cycle, by speaking  about  the effects of witnessing DV and the impact of it on your life.  The ongoing silence comes with long-term health consequences. And if you’re a baby boomer by now you can feel the physical and emotional effects of it.  If not look around you, our children are hurting and being separated from  their parents at alarming rates.    But, regardless of the generation you fall in, we owe it to our children’s children to live free from this global health epidemic.  We have to create change and  have the courage to break this code of silence within our families.

Over the next few blogs (and this may take some weeks) journey with me, as I reflect and share honestly about breaking the cycle of inter-generational adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and the black elephant in the room that continues to hurt my siblings emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I know because to date, we still can’t discuss growing up witnessing our parents fighting every week and the impact on our lives.  Learning about ACEs has taught me one thing for sure, if you grew up witnessing DV, you probably have more than one ACEs that has challenged you whether it’s physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional or relational.  If you are like me, It was important to start your healing journey.

It all started one-day, when we went to get my grandson  from a negative situation. We was determined that he would have a better life in our home and that’s when my emotional struggles begin to unfold. …….. Reactive attachment!!!!……

As I reflect on my life, it’s easy for me to say, “I had a difficult life”. However, the older I get, the wiser I have become living a life in God’s grace.

Regardless of the negative forces and traumas I experienced, some of them have help me to realize that my life has a purpose. I was not put on earth to suffer hardships only. I was put here to help and advocate those with emotional barriers in the workplace and dysfunctional families. Those who desire a better emotional life, but triggers from the past get in their way of experiencing greater peace of mind in the presence.

How can ones past, create so much discomfort and dissatisfaction. Apostle Paul said it right when he said , the things I want to do I don’t, and the things I don’t want to do I find myself doing all the time. Triggers are real and come unexpected and unwanted. That’s what triggers feel like, you owe an apology that the person will not receive. So they go into self protection mode and emotional survival. It’s a real war within the soul for some. Humans caused these traumas and evil acts to others.

I believe it’s difficult to asses the degree of an individual emotional pain and suffering. Especially, those acts cause by evil people.

People whose conscious is filled with evil deeds. Could it be possible that people are born with evil built into their minds or have they experienced so much suffering at an early age that it’s impossible for them to obtain the notion of good. What makes a person resilient and another sentenced to a life of darkness and sinful acts?

What causes a person who life is filled with emotional pain to repeat their trauma experience. Again the Apostle Paul asked God to remove his thorn of pain and three times the answer was “NO”. God replied to him with these simple words, My grace is sufficient for you.

Do you believe as I do, that God gave us enough of His DNA that at any time we can bear the pain or we turn from a life filled with evil and wicked ways? Do you believe that our environment is causing the social conditions that we see today? With all the counseling sometimes I feel people are not experiencing enough emotional relief to make the turn or see the possibles to create a positive future.

In the midst of all my emotional challenges, grief and isolation. I find that the majority of my challenges and barriers provided me with the strength and fortitude to accomplish and overcome so much in life.

As a teen mother, I learned early that social systems and hand outs was not for me. (Don’t get me wrong some people need governmental assistance). What I’m saying is that, deep inside I new I was created for more and having a child was not going to limit my capacity to dream and work hard for a better life. Even if it meant, that I had to work two jobs to provide for my family.

Coming from a background of domestic violence and learning challenges help me to make a plan and put goals into action. Today with God’s grace, I have earned a PhD in Ministry and two Masters Degrees. Was it easy- no. Did I need tutors -yes. Did I Cry late nights -yes. Today I can honestly, say that learning is a passion. One day, I had a great life lesson! I don’t have to prove myself, or my worth to anyone except me.

Life can be messy, and mines is no exception, however it is possible to overcome adversities and childhood traumas. First, you have to let go of the past,! dwelling on the past will only keep it alive in your present life.

Secondly, you will have to learn how to forgive. Forgiving does not mean the person that cause you harm is not guilty! It means you may need to forgive yourself so you can release blame and the shame that bad things happen to you.

Third, you have to change to learn a new narrative for your life story. Write it down. You are a survivor. You made it. It may not be your best life now or it’s all good, It maybe that you are here on earth for a reason. So find your purpose or Help someone who went through the same trauma. Share your story with others who care about you. Find emotional support and know this – that you can be the change you want to see.

Finally, healing is a process and Healing takes time. There are “no one healing fit all healing programs “. God heals some people instantly and others will have to experience the slow cooker process. Regardless, Have hope and develop your faith in God, as everyone that believes was given a seed of faith. Grow it!

In closing, know that, none of us live in a perfect world. Some of us may never get to see the good in others or obtain a more excellent life on earth. Keep in mind, it’s not our place to judge only the Holy Spirit can do that. Remember it’s only God who can clean the minds of evil people in this world. Be gentle to the ignorant. Our Lord Jesus experienced more suffering then any of us from both good and evil people. He himself said, Father forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing to me, your Son.

You are His child also, no matter what has happen in your life, God loves you too.

Be bless

Dr Deborah Jones-Allen

There is a story in John, suggesting to today’s woman a proverb, “there is nothing new under the sun”.  It  passage tells of a woman in search for significance through multiple relationships.  There is no mention of her having children to assist with meeting her needs, however, it does mention that she  had married  them all but the one she now lives with. The history does not even discuss how long her relationships lasted.  But one can deduct that she was a young to middle age woman.    As, I seek to understand her story of broken relationships, I also, know how much it must have cost her physically and  emotionally.  The Samaritan woman can be anyone of us seeking to repair relationships….. …..

This is a Woman, who resigns to travel at high noon in order to avoid  the gossip of  women in her community.  By traveling at noon,  no one should be there, as it  leaves her in solitude, removed by all the emotionally pressures of responding to others about her life’s story.   Imagine sweet falling  from her eyebrows, on a narrow path, she encounter several men in her passing.  Holding her face down- avoiding eye contact, she hurriedly sways pass them. Her mind racing with thoughts of fear and dismay.  To finally reach her destination and prepares to draw water from a well approximately 125 feet deep.  Suddenly, she’s greeted yet, by another man that makes a simple request.   By now she has an attitude!   Her emotions in the atmosphere, as she grasps for air in efforts to respond to his question.    After all , this was her time to be alone, reflect  and search for meaning to mere existence of her life.  Her story is infused with the missing  connection of a loving relationship.

Like most all little girls, we desire a  father-daughter relationship. As  I reflect back in my life, as a little girl of  the summer, I desperately wanted to live with my father.  I was all pack and ready to go, dressed in an orange dress with a flowing white ribbon in the front and brown sandals, adorned with gold ornaments.  After all, my father promise me that I could stay with him and I took him at his word.   He promised me that I could spend time with him.  Then it happen, I called him, but the phone rang unusually long.  My stomach started to pain.  Then, his wife answered and said to a naive little girl in a cruel voice,  “your daddy is not here,”  click- the phone call was over.  What sadden me was, that my father never apologized or explained to me what happen. Yet, deep inside I  loved him and wanted a connection with him.  I suffer from a broken heart and  expressed it in unwanted adult relationships, motives of women relationships when they wanted to befriend me, fear of commitment and a thirst for unconditional love that I had to learn the hard way,  this deep love could only be found in a relationship with the Living God.

As I reflect through the years, I can honestly say, my childhood  and my family was dysfunctional, playing a major role  that influenced my adult relationships.  When a girl does not have a  true relationship with their father, it has the potential to impede her connection with other male relationships, causing one to look for attributes of a father in them.  It’s said that long term stress in relationships can cause varies diseases and psychological  problems.  Women who continually experienced painful memories  from childhood must be given permission to freely express inner dialogue in a supportive non-judgmental environment . in doing so, will not only transforms unwanted behaviors, it also, empowers women to forgive self, God and others.   As forgiveness has spiritual power to heal dis-eases and restore  emotional health.

The  Story of  a Samaritan Woman

       ^1-7 Now when the Lord found that the Pharisees had heard that “Jesus is making and baptising more disciples than John”—although, in fact, it was not Jesus who did the baptising but his disciples—he left Judea and went off again to Galilee, which meant passing through Samaria. There he came to a little town called Sychar, which is near the historic plot of land that Jacob gave to his son, Joseph, and “Jacob’s Spring” was there. Jesus, tired with his journey, sat down beside it, just as he was. The time was about midday. Presently, a Samaritan woman arrived to draw some water.

       ^8-9 “Please give me a drink,” Jesus said to her, for his disciples had gone away to the town to buy food. The Samaritan woman said to him, “How can you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?” (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.)

     ¹⁰ “If you knew what God can give,” Jesus replied, “and if you knew who it is that said to you, ‘Give me a drink’, I think you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water!”

     ^11-12 “Sir,” said the woman, “you have nothing to draw water with and this well is deep—where can you get your living water? Are you a greater man than our ancestor, Jacob, who gave us this well, and drank here himself with his family, and his cattle?”

     ^13-14 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks the water I will give him will never be thirsty again. For my gift will become a spring in the man himself, welling up into eternal life.”

     ¹⁵ The woman said, “Sir, give me this water, so that I may stop being thirsty—and not have to come here to draw water any more!”

     ¹⁶ “Go and call your husband and then come back here,” said Jesus to her.

     ^17-18 “I haven’t got a husband!” the woman answered. “You are quite right in saying, ‘I   haven’t got a husband’,” replied Jesus, “for you have had five husbands and the man you have now is not your husband at all. Yes, you spoke the simple truth when you said that.”

     ^19-20 “Sir,” said the woman again, “I can see that you are a prophet! Now our ancestors worshipped on this hill-side, but you Jews say that Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship—”

     ^21-24 “Believe me,” returned Jesus, “the time is coming when worshipping the Father will not be a matter of ‘on this hill-side’ or ‘in Jerusalem’. Nowadays you are worshipping with your eyes shut. We Jews are worshipping with our eyes open, for the salvation of mankind is to come from our race. Yet the time is coming, yes, and has already come, when true worshippers will worship in spirit and in reality. Indeed, the Father looks for men who will worship him like that. God is spirit, and those who worship him can only worship in spirit and in reality.”

     ²⁵ “Of course I know that Messiah is coming,” returned the woman, “you know, the one who is called Christ. When he comes he will make everything plain to us.”

     ²⁶ “I am Christ speaking to you now,” said Jesus.

This woman encounter with the Living Word, Jesus, realize that race, religion and her  adverse childhood experiences were no longer a factor in her life.  She was able to stand tall, and communicate with others, sharing her own story of redemption.  “Come meet a man who knows all about you- from the inside out”.  He offers TRUTH and emotional freedom to  anyone, who really desires  an honest relationship. He replaces painful memories with forgiveness.   He listens  to her non judgmentally!   He cares about her conflicts with others!   She now understood that He was the the real Father that she searching for.   This woman was no longer defined by her past and some believe abusive relationships.  She show us how to undergo spiritual heart surgery.  All of us should undergo this transforming experience.

Her story is simple!  “Come meet a man who can heal you of your painful childhood,”  when that little girl inside is searching for a father-daughter connection of unconditional love.  My prayer is that you accept HIS  Unconditional Love and experience emotional freedom today.

Scripture reference John 4: 1- 26 ASV

Mirrored Reflection:  My Story by  Deborah Jones-Allen http://www.daughtersofsiyyon.org

@DrDeborahAllen

http://www.daughtersofsiyyon.org

TAMAR’s STORY:A Mirrored Reflection

This is the story of King David who had children from different wives (emphasis added). His son Absalom had a beautiful unmarried sister named Tamar. Amnon, another of David’s sons, fell in love with her.  He was so much in love with her that he became sick, because it seemed impossible for him to have her; as a virgin, she was kept from meeting men.  But he had a friend, a very shrewd man named Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shammah.   Jonadab said to Amnon, “You are the king’s son, yet day after day I see you looking sad. What’s the matter?”

“I’m in love with Tamar, the sister of my half brother Absalom,” he answered.

Jonadab said to him, “Pretend that you are sick and go to bed. When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Please ask my sister Tamar to come and feed me. I want her to fix the food here where I can see her, and then serve it to me herself.’” So Amnon pretended that he was sick and went to bed.

King David went to see him, and Amnon said to him, “Please let Tamar come and make a few cakes here where I can see her, and then serve them to me herself.”

So David sent word to Tamar in the palace: “Go to Amnon’s house and fix him some food.” She went there and found him in bed. She took some dough, prepared it, and made some cakes there where he could see her. Then she baked the cakes  and emptied them out of the pan for him to eat, but he wouldn’t. He said, “Send everyone away”—and they all left.  Then he said to her, “Bring the cakes here to my bed and serve them to me yourself.” She took the cakes and went over to him.  As she offered them to him, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me!”

“No,” she said. “Don’t force me to do such a degrading thing! That’s awful!  How could I ever hold up my head in public again? And you—you would be completely disgraced in Israel. Please, speak to the king, and I’m sure that he will give me to you.”  But he would not listen to her; and since he was stronger than she was, he overpowered her and raped her.

Then Amnon was filled with a deep hatred for her; he hated her now even more than he had loved her before. He said to her, “Get out!”

“No,” she answered. “To send me away like this is a greater crime than what you just did!”

But Amnon would not listen to her; he called in his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight! Throw her out and lock the door!”  The servant put her out and locked the door.

Tamar was wearing a long robe with full sleeves, the usual clothing for an unmarried princess in those days.  She sprinkled ashes on her head, tore her robe, and with her face buried in her hands went away crying.  When her brother Absalom saw her, he asked, “Has Amnon molested you? Please, sister, don’t let it upset you so much. He is your half brother, so don’t tell anyone about it.” So Tamar lived in Absalom’s house, sad and lonely.

When King David heard what had happened, he was furious. However, King David did not discipline his son for committing the act of incest against his daughter Tamar (emphasis added). And Absalom hated Amnon so much for having raped his sister Tamar that he would no longer even speak to him.

Incest is a subject that society rejects from all socioeconomic levels even today. Incest can occur at any age and to anyone. Its not a new concern and/or problem in our global society. The bible tells of this specific account, for many worship centers the topic is taboo and unless there is an active ministry that is prepared to help victims and survivors. The topic is not understood by leaders, leaving members who have experienced rape to remain with feeling unnecessary guilt, blame and low self esteem. However, memories for these survivors can alter their lives and challenge one’s ability to heal memories. According to WCASA fact sheet:

Incest is an experience which affects survivors’ lives in many ways. The following is   only a partial list of possible effects survivors may experience for years into their adult lives: Low self- esteem Anxiety, need to control relationships Self-blame, guilt Post-traumatic stress disorder Vulnerability to re-victimization Eating disorders Depression Dissociative reactions Difficulty sustaining relationships & building trust Sexual dysfunction Alcohol or drug problems Flashbacks and traumatic memories

Incest remains one of the most under-reported and least discussed crimes in our nation, making accurate statistics and information difficult to gather. Because of strong taboos, incest is often concealed by the victim because of guilt, shame, fear, coercion by the abuser, and/or social and familial pressure.

Incest is experienced by those of every racial and ethnic descent, all religious traditions, and any socioeconomic status. Victims of incest are boys and girls, infants and adolescents. Perpetrators of incest can be aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, parents, step-parents, step-children, grandparents, and grandchildren. In addition, incest offenders can be persons without a direct blood or legal relationship to the victim such as a parents’ lover or live-in nanny, housekeeper, etc.

HEALING. People who experience incest have experienced violation of trust and sexual exploitation, but they can and do survive. There is no one “right way” to heal. Many will heal with the help of a counselor/ therapist and/or support group, and others will heal on their own. Once a survivor has made a commitment to address incest issues, it may take an average of 3-5 years of therapy to heal.

According to the Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Socio-emotional Impact of Violent Crime (2014).

¹² Sexual violence also affects victims’ relationships with their family, friends, and co-workers.

• 38% of victims of sexual violence experience work or school problems, which can include significant problems with a boss, coworker, or peer.
• 37% experience family/friend problems, including getting into arguments more frequently than before, not feeling able to trust their family/friends, or not feeling as close to them as before the crime.
• 84% of survivors who were victimized by an intimate partner experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.
• 79% of survivors who were victimized by a family member, close friend or acquaintance experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.
• 67% of survivors who were victimized by a stranger experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.

References/Sources:

Tamar’s Story adapted from: www.biblegateway.com, 2 Samuel 13:1-22, Good News Translation (GNT), retrieved September 4, 2017

Adapted from www.wcasa.org, retrieved September 4, 2017,to read the full written by Susan Forward, Ph.D., Innocence and Betrayal Overcoming the Legacy of Sexual Abuse

¹² http://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

emphasis added by Dr. Deborah Jones-Allen where you can find my story in Mirrored Reflections

Please follow this series that will challenge you spiritually with unresolved pain resulting from incest and family secrets.

For those who have experienced trauma. You may have notice that your sensory memory have a way of expressing behaviors without your permission.

It may feel like your body is in control. Always on high alert! Waiting for someone to attack you, real or imagined, it makes you feel powerless. Exhaustion overwhelms you. As you try to maintain your emotional control.

Nevertheless, its almost impossible to remain in an alert posture indefinitely. Yet, many trauma survivors find themselves living on the edge. There are times when LiFE will bring you to your knees as you live with unanswered questions of Why me? However, no one can really answer that question.

When bad things happen to good people it just happen. Some things you and I have no control over. However, you can learn to tell your story, share your struggles and develop the skills to overcome fears, shame and guilt.

It maybe helpful to join a support group that can teach strategies to explore responses to trauma and help you to express feelings in a safe environment that is supportive, positive and creative.

My pray is that you find rest for your soul and body.

Dr Deborah Jones-Allen

In a world where you can be anything, BE YOURSELF.  – Etta Turner

Let’s start by understanding how we allow people to steal our power in efforts to oppress us or merely  just to keep us under their control and power.  For years,  some of us have been programmed, we were told – what to do- when to do it, and how to do it.  And for some, creativity was smothered until the light in their eyes went out.   This could be the reason  for many lives being filled with frustration, hurt, pain, guilt, shame and anger.  Life is not a one size fit all.   So, we end up standing alone, without sufficient power to grow into the Life that was created for us as an individual.

Today,  together we can start by changing our belief system that we are not good enough or powerful enough to cultivate a positive future in the midst of challenges and adversities.    According to God there is a powerful being waiting to arise. “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless” (Isaiah 40:29 NLT). That’s if you read the Bible and trust me, I don’t have any plans of being super religious. I just want to share TRUTH.

One of my favorite scripture is Jeremiah 1:5  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.  This  verse helps me, to understand that regardless of the adversities I’ve experienced, God knew that I had the power to overcome a belief system that held limiting beliefs that countered his designed.  I had to learn whose I was in Christ, and develop the skills necessary to purse my own dreams.   I started with a vision board, co-creating the life I wanted to change. And yes it was a process.  Change did not happen over night. I had to get several people out of my head and stop using the my behavior as my voice, because it only creates more inner hurt. Let’s take off the mask, clear the clutter from our minds and move into healthier relationships that support you as you cultivate your personal power.

I leave you with this, the best thing you can do is discover who you are.  Then you will be able to realize how powerful you really are.

Blessings-

Dr.Deborah